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Your Human Being

where Individual unites with Soul in a dance of love

ode to sensitivity

sensitive soul

soothe yourself in the light of the sun

let warmth of water embrace you

and be…

this depth of emotion isn’t

to be shamed, tamed, or feared

but celebrated as the dance of life

these glorious, passionate heart strings

are the breath of existence

and the smiling face of divine

This Moment

Lately, I’ve been having a conversation with myself involving this moment.  For some reason, it has occurred to me (or finally sunk in) that this moment is the start.  The start of what?  EVERYTHING.

More specifically, I’m to the point where I feel that whatever has happened prior to this moment no longer has a hold on me, or me on it.  It took a while for me to get to this space, but I’m loving how it’s feeling!

See, everything before this moment has given me something.  Keep in mind, I’m making the choice to see this in a positive light.  I have already taken the time to sit with, and process fully, the darker stuff.  So, I’ve felt the pain, loss, anger, etc… and dealt with it to the best of my ability (which, fortunately, gets better every time).  But, now I CHOOSE to leave it where it belongs, in the past, and move forward from this moment with the gifts those challenges have given me.  Some of them are deeply imbedded in my being, like my ability to read people (which is a gift from experiencing violence).  Other gifts would be wisdom and knowledge gained by learning everything I could from the lessons I’ve experienced.  Have I learned everything?  Not yet …

So, right now, at this moment, I start.  Taking with me only the gifts, lessons, and wisdom I have gained through my experiences.  Looking forward, each moment.  And the best part is, I can make the same choice any moment I wish, from here on out.

And you can too.

Best wishes on your journey.

the kicker

I see you walk

little girl tough guy

that bouncy swagger

kicking to the beat

of a half-broken heart

clicking the heels

of those old boots

as you carefully balance

that big chip

with all the love

you have yet to give

slightly slouched

to protect your heart

like we don’t notice it shining

ignition

craving chains and freedom

it is fear that drives me

thrusting me forward with conviction toward my dreams

or deeper into the confines of my self-limitations

calling me, awakening me

a dragon that guards the treasure

which i crave with such a fiery intensity

my whole being aches

it is no match for me

the closer i get to him, the more i realize what kindles inside him

is love, tethered to iron walls, that can only be unleashed

in torrential and exasperated bursts

a slave unto itself

i befriend him, for he is my own

there is power in self-confinement

but greater in love

the day my city broke in half

for a full version of the poem/story, please visit:

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/12/the-day-my-city-broke-in-half-poem/

heroes and demons lying in the wake of mass revolt

wrong and right shouted pointedly but who really knows

this has little to do with black and white

but more about the quality of grey we make together

actions without integrity

and words hurled through the air

disguising the truth with fury

too difficult to say i understand

so instead we complicate

layer by layer

until everyone, and no one, forgets

brutality at the hand of the trusted

reporters turning lives into reality tv

with a sweep of their ratings

ignorant fingers shaking blame

taking the place of arms holding each other up

this is my world…

…this is not my world

i am ashamed

of the brutality

of the violence

of the ignorance

of the i’m right/you’re wrong

us vs them mentality

that has broken the back of the one world human race

dying under the tears of the once defeated

a lonely voice calls

i will come

will you?

becoming beautiful

Earlier this morning, I watched this video on Upworthy about a woman who grew to love herself.

http://www.upworthy.com/a-man-said-she-was-too-old-to-be-seen-with-him-in-public-well-shes-going-real-public-now?c=hpstream

This got me reflecting on my own history with the way I view my body.  I feel it’s important to know where we come from.  Too often, we do our best to evolve without looking back.  But the real evolution comes when we can look back, honor, and love ourselves through that history.  No matter how difficult it may have been, we’re still here today.

Here is some of my history.  I hope it helps you find peace with yours.

age 2:  i knew that even though my mom said no, my dad would probably say yes.

age 3:  i experienced sexual violence at the hands of one of the sons of a close family friend.  i couldn’t tell anyone, because i was afraid of getting in trouble for interrupting the grown-ups.  i thought for sure someone would notice something was wrong.  i was mistaken.

age 6:  i still felt adorable, and was pretty sure i was magical enough to harness the power of the wind.  (see: http://yourhumanbeing.com/2009/09/29/wind-magic/)

age 7:  my hair got cut short and was occasionally confused as a boy.  i no longer felt adorable, or magical.

age 8:  i experienced intense sexual dysfunction while staying at a friend’s house.  again, there was no one i could tell.

age 12:  i would go to my friend’s house before school and load up on make-up, since i wasn’t allowed to wear it at home.  some cool older girls i knew gave me a bunch of clothes they no longer wore.  i finally felt cool.

age 13:  i sat in a room with a dozen other kids, where we awkwardly tried sharing the stories of how alcoholism has affected our families.  instead, we pretty much just hung out, had a snack, and pushed each other around in big office chairs.

age 15:  i spent a year trying to avoid being seen by my profile due to an overbite and a strongly featured nose.

age 16:  Oprah changed my life.  i came home from school one day to hear her talking about verbal and emotional abuse.  i finally had words to describe my experience.  that same day, i stood up for myself and said “it stops today”.

age 18:  i felt more relaxed, confident, and carefree in my body.  i wore what i wanted to, without trying to measure to a standard set by my less cool classmates.

age 20:  i was determined to marry my boyfriend, because that’s what you do when you have sex with someone you love.

age 23:  confused, and trying to repress the feeling of attraction i felt toward women.  it wasn’t “normal”.

age 25:  even though i was married, i felt so alone, with the exception of the beautiful child i just had.  she was my light, the one true source of beauty in my life.  she gave me purpose.

age 27:  i felt shame about my breasts and scoffed at the irony that because i chose to nurse my child, i was left with deflated balloons.  i wrote about being able to hide a chocolate bar in the extra skin on my stomach.

age 28:  began retraining the muscles in my face to hold my jaw in a more aligned position, believing it would eventually eliminate my overbite.

age 30:  my all was wrapped in motherhood.  i realized after watching other moms that it wasn’t a healthy way of being.  i began reigniting my passion of reading and writing, knowing i’d have to have something to do after they were grown.

age 33:  newly single, i had sexual experiences that i had never experienced before, and finally admitted to myself that i was bi-curious.  i was frightened by the power of my hormones and the desire others had for me, and had no idea how to not be in a relationship, which made me rush in too fast while dating.

age 35:  i found my self-worth in my sexuality.

age 37:  working out regularly at the gym, i felt like i was in the best physical shape of my life.  i accepted being a bit underweight, believing that was my natural body type since i was eating healthy and exercising.  i didn’t want to admit that i wasn’t eating enough.

age 39:  after a series of failed relationships, i found my self-worth in my ability to give to others.  i was finally with someone who verbally appreciated my small breasts, which caused me to want to love them more too.

age 40:  no longer exercising, but finally starting to eat enough, i gained a few pounds.  still naturally skinny, i began to feel a bit more curvy.  the previous relationship went away, but my relationship with my breasts deepened.  i decided to volunteer for a photo shoot that would require me to be nude in the middle of the woods on the coldest day of december.  i was incredibly afraid, but started to feel empowered.  i felt sensual, attractive, alive, and free.

age 41:  worrying less about how i look and more about how i feel, i still felt the need to inform my students i had resting bitch face, and told them i was again working on retraining the muscles in my face to form a permanent Mona Lisa smile.  i didn’t want them to misinterpret my mood or way of being.  (see infomercial here:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3v98CPXNiSk )

today:  a mother of 3 and nearly 42, i am told i’m beautiful regularly by people who love me.  most importantly, i feel beautiful, radiant, and magical once again.  i accept who i am, and where i’ve been.  during a long walk on the beach, a conversation between the ocean and my body caused me to realize all i have put myself through during the years.  all the insecurities, which i can now call silly, that were so deeply ingrained in my being.  i cried for myself, my body, my spirit.  and through those salty tears, i found a greater respect for my physical being.  i love my body and all it’s been through.  i let the pain of my past way of being, and perceiving myself, wash away with each wave, taking me to a different year, a different level.  i am determined to love myself, no matter how my body decides to present itself during the coming years.

Beauty is not found in the body.  It is found in the embodiment of our own essential and divine human being.

Set the intention to make peace with yourself.  You will find it.

If you need some help, let me know.

gong lab

bodies laying side by side

seeking purpose, peace, and truth

uncovering the hidden spaces

that darken their vision

silently shifting from pain

into a heart cracked by love

 

gongs hammering ears

ringing through bodies

and into souls

as crickets chant the meaning of life

this is the sound of transformation

this is the heartbeat of one

The Long Goodbye

i called for help

you weren’t there

a faint echo

in my sigh

kisses fly for miles

but fall short

hours away

from your cheek

my life is full

as emptiness drifts

like a shadow

across the sky

together and apart

eternity wrapped

in a mute embrace

this is the long goodbye

Your Sacred Self

What do you need to know about your Sacred Self? It’s you, every little bit of you, masked and unmasked, on the surface and deep in your core. The only person guaranteed to journey from birth to death and back again with you is You. So, if you can’t stand your own company, you may be in for a crappy journey.
Why not find a place in your heart for your Self? Diving deep into love, acceptance, and honoring ourselves, we discover how sacred our relationship with our own Self really is. Then we realize this is our journey, discovering our Sacred Self.
Some gurus refer to this as “awakening the divine within” or “acknowledging your god self,” but really it’s more human than that. It’s about loving ourselves in our innate humanity while recognizing the Being that lives and moves through us all. This radical self love is the most divine state of BeingHuman.

What do you think?

If you would like to learn more about shifting your life by creating a conscious loving relationship with your Self, please email info@yourhumanbeing.com

Best,
Michelle

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