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Your Human Being

where Individual unites with Soul in a dance of love

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awakening

This Moment

Lately, I’ve been having a conversation with myself involving this moment.  For some reason, it has occurred to me (or finally sunk in) that this moment is the start.  The start of what?  EVERYTHING.

More specifically, I’m to the point where I feel that whatever has happened prior to this moment no longer has a hold on me, or me on it.  It took a while for me to get to this space, but I’m loving how it’s feeling!

See, everything before this moment has given me something.  Keep in mind, I’m making the choice to see this in a positive light.  I have already taken the time to sit with, and process fully, the darker stuff.  So, I’ve felt the pain, loss, anger, etc… and dealt with it to the best of my ability (which, fortunately, gets better every time).  But, now I CHOOSE to leave it where it belongs, in the past, and move forward from this moment with the gifts those challenges have given me.  Some of them are deeply imbedded in my being, like my ability to read people (which is a gift from experiencing violence).  Other gifts would be wisdom and knowledge gained by learning everything I could from the lessons I’ve experienced.  Have I learned everything?  Not yet …

So, right now, at this moment, I start.  Taking with me only the gifts, lessons, and wisdom I have gained through my experiences.  Looking forward, each moment.  And the best part is, I can make the same choice any moment I wish, from here on out.

And you can too.

Best wishes on your journey.

becoming beautiful

Earlier this morning, I watched this video on Upworthy about a woman who grew to love herself.

http://www.upworthy.com/a-man-said-she-was-too-old-to-be-seen-with-him-in-public-well-shes-going-real-public-now?c=hpstream

This got me reflecting on my own history with the way I view my body.  I feel it’s important to know where we come from.  Too often, we do our best to evolve without looking back.  But the real evolution comes when we can look back, honor, and love ourselves through that history.  No matter how difficult it may have been, we’re still here today.

Here is some of my history.  I hope it helps you find peace with yours.

age 2:  i knew that even though my mom said no, my dad would probably say yes.

age 3:  i experienced sexual violence at the hands of one of the sons of a close family friend.  i couldn’t tell anyone, because i was afraid of getting in trouble for interrupting the grown-ups.  i thought for sure someone would notice something was wrong.  i was mistaken.

age 6:  i still felt adorable, and was pretty sure i was magical enough to harness the power of the wind.  (see: http://yourhumanbeing.com/2009/09/29/wind-magic/)

age 7:  my hair got cut short and was occasionally confused as a boy.  i no longer felt adorable, or magical.

age 8:  i experienced intense sexual dysfunction while staying at a friend’s house.  again, there was no one i could tell.

age 12:  i would go to my friend’s house before school and load up on make-up, since i wasn’t allowed to wear it at home.  some cool older girls i knew gave me a bunch of clothes they no longer wore.  i finally felt cool.

age 13:  i sat in a room with a dozen other kids, where we awkwardly tried sharing the stories of how alcoholism has affected our families.  instead, we pretty much just hung out, had a snack, and pushed each other around in big office chairs.

age 15:  i spent a year trying to avoid being seen by my profile due to an overbite and a strongly featured nose.

age 16:  Oprah changed my life.  i came home from school one day to hear her talking about verbal and emotional abuse.  i finally had words to describe my experience.  that same day, i stood up for myself and said “it stops today”.

age 18:  i felt more relaxed, confident, and carefree in my body.  i wore what i wanted to, without trying to measure to a standard set by my less cool classmates.

age 20:  i was determined to marry my boyfriend, because that’s what you do when you have sex with someone you love.

age 23:  confused, and trying to repress the feeling of attraction i felt toward women.  it wasn’t “normal”.

age 25:  even though i was married, i felt so alone, with the exception of the beautiful child i just had.  she was my light, the one true source of beauty in my life.  she gave me purpose.

age 27:  i felt shame about my breasts and scoffed at the irony that because i chose to nurse my child, i was left with deflated balloons.  i wrote about being able to hide a chocolate bar in the extra skin on my stomach.

age 28:  began retraining the muscles in my face to hold my jaw in a more aligned position, believing it would eventually eliminate my overbite.

age 30:  my all was wrapped in motherhood.  i realized after watching other moms that it wasn’t a healthy way of being.  i began reigniting my passion of reading and writing, knowing i’d have to have something to do after they were grown.

age 33:  newly single, i had sexual experiences that i had never experienced before, and finally admitted to myself that i was bi-curious.  i was frightened by the power of my hormones and the desire others had for me, and had no idea how to not be in a relationship, which made me rush in too fast while dating.

age 35:  i found my self-worth in my sexuality.

age 37:  working out regularly at the gym, i felt like i was in the best physical shape of my life.  i accepted being a bit underweight, believing that was my natural body type since i was eating healthy and exercising.  i didn’t want to admit that i wasn’t eating enough.

age 39:  after a series of failed relationships, i found my self-worth in my ability to give to others.  i was finally with someone who verbally appreciated my small breasts, which caused me to want to love them more too.

age 40:  no longer exercising, but finally starting to eat enough, i gained a few pounds.  still naturally skinny, i began to feel a bit more curvy.  the previous relationship went away, but my relationship with my breasts deepened.  i decided to volunteer for a photo shoot that would require me to be nude in the middle of the woods on the coldest day of december.  i was incredibly afraid, but started to feel empowered.  i felt sensual, attractive, alive, and free.

age 41:  worrying less about how i look and more about how i feel, i still felt the need to inform my students i had resting bitch face, and told them i was again working on retraining the muscles in my face to form a permanent Mona Lisa smile.  i didn’t want them to misinterpret my mood or way of being.  (see infomercial here:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3v98CPXNiSk )

today:  a mother of 3 and nearly 42, i am told i’m beautiful regularly by people who love me.  most importantly, i feel beautiful, radiant, and magical once again.  i accept who i am, and where i’ve been.  during a long walk on the beach, a conversation between the ocean and my body caused me to realize all i have put myself through during the years.  all the insecurities, which i can now call silly, that were so deeply ingrained in my being.  i cried for myself, my body, my spirit.  and through those salty tears, i found a greater respect for my physical being.  i love my body and all it’s been through.  i let the pain of my past way of being, and perceiving myself, wash away with each wave, taking me to a different year, a different level.  i am determined to love myself, no matter how my body decides to present itself during the coming years.

Beauty is not found in the body.  It is found in the embodiment of our own essential and divine human being.

Set the intention to make peace with yourself.  You will find it.

If you need some help, let me know.

path to love

blood dripping like velvet dew

her heart became reborn

unknown stories

once broke the troubled heart

which shattered like glass

lost amongst the sand along her path

biting pieces cut her feet

lightening her steps

but deepening their impact

thoughts on consciousness

Consciousness is a choice, though most are not aware of this.  It is not an easy path, but a way of life.  Choosing to ask the questions under the questions and seeking the answers behind the answers, consciousness is about knowing all and choosing to love it as thoroughly as possible, all the while letting it go.  Some days are easier than others for this, when love flows freely through our being and we feel the interconnectedness of all things.  Then, there are days of restriction, fueled by lessons of the ego, where we unconsciously clamp down, grasping at life and limiting our world view.  This restriction comes, intensifying more and more until we allow ourselves to explode open into a release, signifying that this portion of the lesson is over and it’s time to integrate and become one with the beauty of our being again.  Those unable to release continue building pressure until they implode, causing further restriction and often damage to themselves energetically, physically, and emotionally.

Surrender is a hard lesson for most.  Our ego tries so hard to control and handle everything on its own, not trusting the state of grace that lies in the heart of the universe, which always gives us what we need and brings us back to center.  Often, it takes many hard lessons and the feeling of being beaten into the rocks by the surf before we relinquish, release, and allow the tide to carry us without struggling against it.  All struggle is based on fear.  Fear is what keeps us from being at one with our selves, at peace with the world, and from experiencing the full state of love.  Sadness, anger, lack all come from fear.  But, when we face these fears, digging deep into their truths, learning their lessons, and openly walking into them … that’s when we experience true liberation of the soul, the freedom of Being.

Time to Get Real

Even at age 39, I still find that I regularly feel wrapped inside myself.  I know inside me is a goddess that wants to be unleashed, ever-present in this life … And she definitely makes herself known.  I feel a shift every time … stepping outside my Self and into the Being of her … the fullness, wisdom, confidence, and sensuality that flows through me is beautiful, like nothing I’ve ever experienced.  The only experience that’s even come close has been the fullness of being in love, but even that usually comes with hidden fears or agendas.  The goddess knows no fear or agenda … it is a purity of existence.

I guess this wrapping/unwrapping of myself is an ongoing learning process.  And, it’s getting easier to identify when I’m wrapping … and easier to unwrap …

I’m certainly no longer afraid of dying, but have learned that I’m sometimes afraid of living.  (it’s easy to get used to the death/rebirth cycles in life)

I keep planting seeds, but have discovered I let them go and just keep casting more seeds instead of lovingly tending the ones I’ve already sewn.

It takes a lot of courage to own your shit and allow yourself to live beyond the self-created box which society loves to reinforce, but little by little – I’m tearing that sucker down.

Here’s to life, ya’ll!  May we truly exist in our authentic being-ness …

Blessings,

m

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