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Your Human Being

where Individual unites with Soul in a dance of love

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self-discovery

Change Your Life By Taking Care of You

The value of developing a healthy, loving relationship with yourself is that it becomes reflected in all areas of your life.  Do you or anyone you know have relationship issues, trouble setting and keeping boundaries, financial issues, or a general unhappiness in life?  Those are all affected by the relationship with yourself.

When you are able to break down and break through those negative programs you’ve developed over the course of your life, and truly cultivate a caring relationship based in self-awareness, things really start to shift in new and positive ways!

Time to heal, nurture, and cultivate that relationship.

 

 

2 Sides of the Coin

Little did I know that personal freedom comes from stepping up and taking full responsibility for life.

This lesson was a gradual process that evolved as I became aware of exactly how little power I afforded myself, and how much power I gave away.  I viewed my experiences from the perspective that “someone did something to me, or something happened to me”, which meant that the course of my life was dependent on everyone and everything but me.  Empowerment began when I started realizing that my perspective was my choice.  Indeed, everything that happened in my adult life was because every moment I was making choices, without awareness or consciousness.  Then, I began the gradual process of waking up.  You know, one of those things that some of the new age gurus tell you to do without telling you how.  It began to happen.  Why me?  Because I was open to change.  Actually, I craved it.

I was living in poverty with seemingly few prospects and a history of failed relationships.  I knew there was more, but I didn’t know how to change it.  Fortunately, when you truly want something, the universe conspires to make it happen.  I was led through a series of synchronistic events (that I could give credit to everyone who contributed, but would be remiss if I didn’t point out, even those events were because I made choices) that caused me to pay attention.

They say the only way to truly move forward is to know where you are.  I am grateful I made the choice to look back and notice similarities between people and events in my life; to see patterns in my behavior.  It was then I noticed that even decisions that were seemingly insignificant added shape and texture to my life.

Today, I choose.  I am aware of what I am saying to myself, about myself, and how I’m shaping my life down to every bite I choose to take and every minute I waste on Facebook.  I notice my language and recently have had the opportunity to take that practice deeper by being advised to notice when I say “try,” “can’t,” and “but” because those words are unconscious ways of surrendering power as well.

Choice is freedom.  When you choose to own your life, taking responsibility for how you got where you are and where you’re going, the world is yours.  ❤

Windswept Chaos

I am windswept chaos

brewing every known emotion

in my big black pot

as lightening flashes

through my hair

I am windswept chaos

my inner sanctum

no longer a refuge

as the storm rages and churns

dancing revolution in my soul

I am windswept chaos

gratefully, gracefully

the sun caresses me

his love piercing light

breaking the shadow of my heart

The meek shall not inherit the earth

if i truly knew my worth as a parent, it wouldn’t bother me whenever i felt someone getting out their invisible measuring stick … and mine would become non-existant.

i am still making up to the ghosts of parenting past …

once upon a time, i was “the perfect mom.”  seriously.  i did nothing wrong.  then, one day i was running through the city museum with a pack of 2-4 year olds following, including the beaming face of my own child, when a light bulb went off.  who was this woman?  she wasn’t real.  she was an actor on a stage.  i haven’t been perfect ever since, and i’ve been mostly ok with it … mostly …

the year my ex-husband and i split, i was an emotional basket case.  i thought i had it all together and was in control, but in reality i was wrecked.  so completely focused on everything except the ones i love the most, i lived my life for me.  to be honest, that was the first time in my life i had ever lived for me.  so, it was an experimental phase for sure.  i learned so much about myself and the world at large, focusing on my growth, healing and self discovery, but leaving very little time and energy to focus on what my children needed from me.  i assumed that they would handle the divorce as well as i would, but i was in denial about how well i was handling the divorce.  sure, i had my great parenting moments.  but, if there was a highlight reel of the shittiest moments of my mothering experience, they would all lie in that year.  i had a tendency to be hyper-critical with my oldest and intolerant with my youngest.  i ruled by fear.  i spanked too much and listened too little.  i have yet to forgive myself completely, and i’m secretly afraid they haven’t either, though they’ve given me every indication that it wasn’t as bad as i remember.  i do have a tendency to be too hard on myself, expecting perfection instead of accepting my human frailness.  but, i also want to be be honest and clear.

i know how the subconscious works with these things.  that year left an impression.  how deep, i can’t say.  but i do know, whenever either of them exhibits low self-esteem or depression of any sort, i look back at that year and wonder if that’s where it started.  too much personal responsibility? yes …

perhaps i’m just acutely aware of how a challenging relationship with mother can wreck a child’s self-esteem because i’ve been there.  my relationship with my mother was wrought with challenges.  it wasn’t until my 30s that we started developing a healthy relationship.  but we’ve worked hard, and are now incredibly close.  unfortunately, i still catch myself on the snags that occurred long ago … i have only recently broken through some serious self-esteem stuff,  with the exception of this parenting thing, working deep core abandonment and shame.

ever growing in the development of this human being, the one thing i need to “work” on is self-acceptance, which includes forgiveness.  i’m getting there.  i’ve put a lot of focus on my parenting skills and the growth of my relationship with my kids.  i recognize my weaknesses, but haven’t really given myself enough credit for my strengths.  instead, i have allowed myself to feel that every comment or attitude is a direct result of my general suckiness.

it doesn’t help that my ex can be extremely critical and judgmental at times, traits which my children seem to be developing as well.  we’ve all been there … measuring people with our invisible rulers that guide by “that’s not how i would do it.”

fundamentally, i am the only one that can change this.  if i develop this within myself, it doesn’t matter what my ex thinks … and the times my kids lash out wouldn’t bother me, after all it is a part of their growth too.  but i would also have the self-respect to have better boundaries about it all.  i heard myself tell my daughter that i didn’t have to stay and listen while she projected her negative feelings about her dad on me, trying to bring my emotions to the levels of hers last night.  i felt “ahhh… yes… i am learning… ” and this thought was enough.

self-love doesn’t all come at once, but layer by layer things can get healed loved and accepted.  i have learned much. i have much to learn.

path to love

blood dripping like velvet dew

her heart became reborn

unknown stories

once broke the troubled heart

which shattered like glass

lost amongst the sand along her path

biting pieces cut her feet

lightening her steps

but deepening their impact

Untelling the Stories in Your Head

We are in a constant battle with the voices in our head and the ony way out is through diligent awareness, presence, and perseverance.

It is amazing what we are able to convince ourselves; talking ourselves into and out of jobs, activities, relationships.  “This is good for me.  I shouldn’t do that.  Oh, that will never work.”  Placing values and judgements on every situation, every person that comes into our lives.  More often than not, these judgements are counterproductive.  They prevent us from exploring things that may actually be beneficial, while allowing us to justify situations, people, and ideas that may not be in our highest good.

Falling in love, for instance, we usually notice all the great things about the one we love and have a tendency to overlook their less fine qualities.  When a relationship ends, however, we have a tendency to do the opposite.  Looking primarily at our partners’ weaknesses rather than strengths in an attempt to dull the pain of separation and to justify the end of the relationship.  This also allows us to shift blame onto the partner instead of paying attention to our contribution to the story of the relationship.  Because, our inner storyteller has already created all the scenarios based on our hopes and fears.  In truth, we likely had clues that the relationship would or wouldn’t work.

Once we start noticing these stories, asking questions is the best way to begin diffusing the internal story-teller.  Such as:  “Where do these judgements come from?”  Usually, the answer is conditioning … our life patterns echoing their way through our thoughts.  This is where the consciousness of our parents, teachers, family, friends, and societal conditioning comes in to play.

“Is this idea coming from a place of fear or love?”  Most often, the stories we tell ourselves are in an attempt to protect our emotions (guarding).  After we ask the questions and listen for the answers, we can then face the fears that arise.  Noticing, but not enabling them.  All choices are best coming from a place pure of love.

I personally call these story threads “wagon wheel tracks.”  The wheels of my brain spinning in the same place time and again, creating deep grooves in my thought  process.  Depending on how many times a thought has been followed (how deep the groove is), determines how much effort is involved in creating a new pathway.  When I catch myself following these wagon tracks, I say “Cancel, Delete!”  Then usually finding my awareness was in the past or future, I bring myself back to this very moment.  The act of becoming HERE & NOW is so powerful in eradicating fear and negative thought patterns, because usually none of it exists at this exact moment.  Besides, it is so much easier to deal with things one at a time, as they present themselves in each moment.

When I find my brain overcrowded with thoughts, I take a deep breath, meditate, bring my awareness to HERE & NOW, and watch the thoughts trickle down into only things that are absolutely necessary … or nothing at all, which gives me all the space I need to allow love, gratitude, and compassion to come in.

Love, gratitude, and compassion are key to creating new stories.  Creating … starting from scratch.  Every single one of us has the opportunity of making this choice every moment.  If we can separate ourselves from the stories conditioned within us, and focus on love (because gratitude and compassion are aspects of love) then we’ll find our stories will be without judgement, challenges will become learning experiences, and life suddenly seems much more free.

As it is 🙂

The Demon Fear

There is this mistaken notion that we need to erase all our fears. Even I have gotten caught up in this mindset; praying, journaling, affirming – all to “release” my self from fear.
Truth be told, fears can only be released once they are faced … and sometimes faced time and again, depending on how deeply rooted they are.
Best advice? Walk up to your fear, embrace it, kiss it on the mouth … find out where it came from and look to see where it is going. Own it as just a part of the clothes you happen to be wearing at the moment, and understand that it is simply here for you walk through in order to surprise yourself with your own strength and ability. It’s your personal mountain, valley, and desert to traverse. Knowing that once you cross it, you regain another little piece of your self and reuniting just a bit more with your being.
What would feel better? Never having fear again, or having the strength to meet it face to face and the will to overcome?
Perhaps, the desire to never have fear again is itself fear-based … Because, in truth, we are afraid of facing it … What if we are not strong enough or brave enough to overcome? What if we get battle scars?
I guess this is what makes those that choose this path Warriors of the Heart.
Blessed be …

Brother

Brother Ray,

you are a light in the world

that cannot decide

if it wants to be green

or some sort of grey,

muddish color

Don’t tie yourself in knots,

confusing every issue

as a battle with the soul

it’s all soul

including and especially you,

radiant being

Let yourself be,

without any restraint

embracing instead of wrestling Life

you are the god of gods

giving seed to all creation,

including your self

Time to Get Real

Even at age 39, I still find that I regularly feel wrapped inside myself.  I know inside me is a goddess that wants to be unleashed, ever-present in this life … And she definitely makes herself known.  I feel a shift every time … stepping outside my Self and into the Being of her … the fullness, wisdom, confidence, and sensuality that flows through me is beautiful, like nothing I’ve ever experienced.  The only experience that’s even come close has been the fullness of being in love, but even that usually comes with hidden fears or agendas.  The goddess knows no fear or agenda … it is a purity of existence.

I guess this wrapping/unwrapping of myself is an ongoing learning process.  And, it’s getting easier to identify when I’m wrapping … and easier to unwrap …

I’m certainly no longer afraid of dying, but have learned that I’m sometimes afraid of living.  (it’s easy to get used to the death/rebirth cycles in life)

I keep planting seeds, but have discovered I let them go and just keep casting more seeds instead of lovingly tending the ones I’ve already sewn.

It takes a lot of courage to own your shit and allow yourself to live beyond the self-created box which society loves to reinforce, but little by little – I’m tearing that sucker down.

Here’s to life, ya’ll!  May we truly exist in our authentic being-ness …

Blessings,

m

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